Dread is still haunting me
Do you ever wonder if you're just staying strong and positive about things? Or if you're just completely gaslighting yourself into believing everything will be fine?
I reflected on and rated 10 areas of my life how happy I feel about each, and the numbers add up.
I'm fucking miserable.
Each category is rated from 1-10, if we add up my total score on each we end up with an impressive 38%. If you think that's sad, my total percentage has actually doubled from the past 10 years.
Health: 4
It's slowly improving, I can walk anywhere from 10-20k steps a day, my punches pack more power now (I got a score of 762 on the arcade machine recently,) and when I'm not completely exhausted from my patrols I've been taking cracks at sprinting again. Most general health is decent too, no cavities, blood tests are normal, etc.But I've seen no progress with my sexual health at all, and I can only get help for this once I cut ties with my relatives. It's frustrating being mistaken for a woman once in a while, society seriously needs to up it's standards for women if they're mistaking me for one blin.
My strength is lacking too, I struggled for 20 minutes trying to restart an escalator today because the brake was jammed, I tried my best and I couldn't unjam it. My coworker comes along and frees it effortlessly. I know I shouldn't be this hard on myself because I have a disadvantage and wasn't born with average amount of testosterone that men should have, but it's fucking frustrating. I hate feeling like such a weak nerd.
Work: 7
My second highest rated category, I love my job no questions asked. Retail was miserable and I'm glad I took the time to get licensed and apply for security. My workplace is my home these days, since my actual home is anything but. But this category gets rated 7 because I need to take time to reflect on what to advance my career to, law enforcement or higher security role?FamilyRelatives: 1
Pretty obvious one, and I'll never get a score above a 90% for the rest of my life because of these fuckers. I consider you my true family, but this assessment is only taking blood relatives into account, please don't take this as an attack, Zero.
Friends: 1
Another obvious one, half of my letters to you are about how much distress I'm in over my god damn social life. At this time there are still no messages from anyone from my previous circle, and I don't expect them anytime soon.I've been writing letters to a friend I'm in contact with, it turns out she and I have very similar social backgrounds and inner demons. I'm hoping she could become a long term friend, but my expectations are low and my detachment issues aren't disappearing anytime soon. The way she described the struggle is on point,
I had this tiny hope in me that they would stay- that they would be my long term friends bcoz they appreciated what I do for them All I wanted was their company, their loyalty in a way? That they wouldn't disappear after everything but it was futile, they found the next interesting person to latch onto and leech off of and they eventually forgot about me, ghosted me
I still don't know why I bother with the concept of friends at all. The last 3-4 letters of the word say everything.
Romance: 9
When I say that you're my main reason to keep on living, I mean it and this is proof of that. Some things from college just don't change I guess. You're always there for me, and I'm glad your narcolepsy has improved because that means we can spend more time together when I'm not going through regressive episodes of anhedonia and depression.I feel like it was my fault to an extent, when I was hanging out with others, I don't think you saw a reason to stay awake. I also stalled your progress concerning your current identity, and still feel guilty about that despite your forgiveness. You're a part of my life I cherish most and I hope you always will be.
The only reason I rate romance 9/10 is because of my own health problems interfering with things like sex. Still find it odd that sex had it's own category on this life chart of all things.
Community / Environment: 2
I'd like to think I contribute positively towards my community, I've helped homeless people before, donated most of my stuff to salvation army, given strangers advice when prompted, among other things. But this feels mostly one-sided and most people I encounter don't reciprocate my respect and kindness. Is it their fault? Of course not, I just never expect anything back in return from them.
Environment is straightforward to rate, I hate the desert, I hate the heat, the smog and dust in the air, the traffic and late night street racing, the socially damaged community, etc. I miss the north and I'm going to return one day, cross my heart.
Creativity / Recreation: 3
I'm still transferring my thousands upon thousands of script notes for my projects to Google Docs, to call it a process is an understatement and attempting this on work nights is hell since my motivation for the day is already mostly depleted.When I get home just seeing the people I live with is enough to make me miserable, I don't have any motivation to watch movies or shows, no desire to eat, I barely get my stretches done and almost never have consistent boxing sessions. These evenings are always the worst time of the day, I'm alone with my dread for hours until I can't take it anymore and go to bed.
Learning: 3
I'm getting back into the habit of studying, renshuu is cute and simple to use. I change the display language to Russian to get practice with that too. But I can't rate it any higher than a three since my study schedule is inconsistent and I'm only starting to make progress with it again.Finances: 3
Unlike languages I haven't gotten around to studying this. I'm just saving money because I have decent income now, that's what I'd like to think but all the ridiculous fees I had recently, impulse purchases, and lack of studying trading stocks is seriously impairing the score on this category. Once I move out I'll need a budget or kakeibo otherwise I won't even have much to add into my savings account either. I always feel a tinge of dread in my guts thinking about finance for some reason too, probably because it's my lifeline to freedom and happiness but it's difficult to come by right now.Moral Code: 5
Instead of calling this category spirituality I'm renaming it to moral code because I'm not religious at all. I'm comfortably agnostic / atheist because my faith is in you, and on good days, in myself.I'm currently struggling with my moral code because I try to be a good person as that's my default outlook on shit, but this bites me in the ass constantly and I'm jaded, especially with the lack of friends to go to for support. Being a lone wolf with gray morals would benefit me much more than wasting my time and energy helping people who never truly appreciate what I do for them, another thing that hasn't changed since childhood. The only reason I don't commit to a true gopnik lifestyle is because it doesn't help me sleep at night, but that's pretty hilairious coming from a former insomniac.
I think what helps me cope with this is to think of morality like a yin yang, good in evil and evil in good. But the question is which one do I identify with more?
...
If I survive a year from now, I'll attempt this assessment again and write you a letter about it, I hope I'll have a better score next time. I don't care if my score never reaches 100%, all I want is something above a failing grade at this point. If I could only pick two categories to boost right now it would be my health and finances, health is and always will be my top priority and finances will set me free from my cycle of madness. Everything else with a low score is debatable in terms of priorities.