I'll keep moving on, just like the world
Honestly I don't really know what I'm going through lately, I slept through most of today which is a first, I never take naps on my days off of work. I was tired though, it was overwhelming. I got 7 hours of sleep last night so it made no sense, I've had days where I only slept for 5-6 and was much more energized than today. I'm guessing this is how you always feel with narcolepsy.
I don't think it's depression causing it, but maybe it's a warning sign of it. I'm worried if it's anhedonia making a return, I barely got out of it last time with your help. The whole process felt like wading through molasses. I don't remember everything clearly but I do recall hating every moment of my low energy and lack of passion for everyday things.
I'm only in my 20s for fucks sake, other people my age go out to clubs and live like animals. I'm just existing and intend to start living in a couple years if it all goes according to plan. This just makes me resent myself in the end.
I'm still able to occupy myself with something. I picked up One Piece because I haven't read it in years, some dickheads in school made fun of me for reading it and the library didn't have all the volumes which isn't surprising to me. I wasn't aware how to read it online back then either so I dropped it. It feels nice getting lost in an adventure story, especially one that's popular.
Unlike audiobooks I read with barely any following. Even The Hunger Games, one of the most popular books from it's time barely has any discussion or community surrounding it. If I give up audiobooks I'll have to find something else to occupy an hour of my listening time during commutes, whether that's podcasts, non-fiction books, music, or speaking with you.
Today some people from that group I used to be in reached out to me all at once, but I don't feel like responding to any of them. My best friend called me while I was sleeping, I mumbled out a response and he caught my drift that I was in the middle of a nap. I hung up promptly after. I don't want to cut ties with him because he's the Lupin to my Jigen, but I haven't been myself lately.
In text, he told me if I ever need anyone to talk to about anything or need help to just reach out because he cares about me. He hasn't heard from me in almost a month.
But I can't reach out to him about this.
Whatever it is I'm fighting against, I don't understand it completely myself. On the Junto emotion wheel it'd vaguely fall into sadness, it's not an intense feeling, it's cold and gray. The same feeling that haunted me since 2021 and made me lose my old group of friends because they couldn't understand me or help me. Just like abandoning someone in the zombie apocalypse who's been bitten, except I'm not dead yet.
I'm still reading books and manga, keeping up with my studies, never fed up with my job, etc. I write these letters to you even though we talk everyday because I need an outlet for my deeper thoughts. When we're together it's difficult to express all of this, you probably think I'm just being stoic and cold. Прости, детка.
I haven't given up on my future in this world, I never will. I have objectives to see through because no one else will do it for me.
I've got to accept and channel this side of me into something, somehow. This lemon is difficult to make lemonade out of but I think it's possible to rewire it into something useful. I refuse to let depression and anhedonia win again, they're mental cancer and surviving once was brutal enough.
If I examine every low scoring category on my assessment in my last letter, I could start by eliminating factors that bring the score down in each and spend more time doing stuff that will raise it higher. Though, I'll write my thoughts about this in another letter.