I'm a stupid thief polishing the dirt off my heart
I think I felt more remorse today than I ever did in the past decade. I'm serious, my Grinch sized heart definitely leveled up today.
I think it's because I disappointed them, people who believe in me. They still do and although some of them aren't aware of what I did, I betrayed them, and by extension--I betrayed you. I let myself down too, the better side of me anyway.
I was so paranoid these past few days from that incident with the security vehicle. Having to search for it for nearly 2 hours in +40°C heat made me lose my mind.
I blamed my boss, cursing with rage. I told everyone at work or not my side of it. I wrote some mean things about her and my coworker in хуй знает. I even asked big boss to put me on different schedule to avoid her completely.
But today we had a heated argument in the control room. It went on for 2 hours, just like the day of the incident. Everything was cleared up, both sides of what happened that day, what pissed us off, our intentions, and important context including my fucked up past that lead up to my neuroticism. Having your emotions shut down as a child, moving constantly, and staying a shut in for years really does a number on someone.
She told me that she would hate to see me leave for another job, how she agreed with a colleague to protect me and my other coworker, that she sees a lot of her former self in me, she even said that I'm one of the best officers at the site and truly wants me to be able to leave my toxic residence, and that I have a strong mind and good heart for who I've become despite the cards I've been dealt.
I felt so fucking stupid, Zero. I've only known this lady for little over half a year and she showed me more love and respect than the people who "raised" me.
It's the second time I sobbed at work, and this time it was in front of someone else.
All in all I'm glad this interaction happened, I learned that I'm most likely not a sociopath since I can feel shame and guilt even if they're a bit repressed like everything else. It was a hard lesson I needed to experience.
I've even started to notice it during work, I felt guilty for taking $20 out of lost and found thinking no one would return for it. I felt shame for talking shit about the guy who does graveyard shifts to my coworker, because I found out a few minutes later that he's a movie buff and used to enjoy writing stories.
Life is on a constant streak of proving me wrong lately, it's legitimately scary. Maybe it's a sign.
I'm a little worried about getting caught for taking the money, it turns out the lady returned for her purse. I don't know why I did it--I haven't been in my right mind at all this week. I could lose my job for what adds up to just an extra fucking hour of pay. This realization scared me and I swear I'll never give into my kleptomania at work again.
We had a huge incident moments after, it was a little too well timed in my opinion. I feel terrible for saying this, but I'm so lucky there was a fire at the mall, everyone was distracted and it's highly likely the theft was forgotten. My mind was getting clouded from the guilt I felt for stealing, and the anxiety of possibly losing my job.
Oddly enough I can't shake the feeling you had something to do with this. Thank you.
No one has ever taken steroids and played League of Legends all day and turned into a body builder overnight. The mind works the exact same way, you don't take drugs and wake up a different person the next morning, it takes years of therapy, mental rewiring, and practice.
I promise I'll keep striving to become a better person.